Retrospection
by bosscascade
Summary: Looking back at your past can sometimes be a good thing, being obsessed and defined by it can lead to unimaginable pain. Sometimes the best thing to do is let go, if only it could be so easy...
1. The Light Fades

The Jedi Order always had a strange way of recruiting people. They would take children from a very young age to ensure they could be "properly trained" and prevent the emotions that would lead to the dark side. For some Jedi, never properly meeting their family was a defining issue as was not being able to find love, but most got over it in time and fell in line.

I won't bother going over my opinions on this for now and I better get this done as there isn't much time left, they will be here soon. I'll stop rambling now and explain one of the first things I can remember about being in the Jedi.

I was taken from my family at 2, I have no memory of them. When I was six I finally began training for my Jedi padawan trials. All us younglings gathered around Master Yoda to begin the first stage of training. I looked around at the students around me. Many of these people I had known my entire life (being raised in the temple with them). I looked over to the youngling standing next to me. I didn't recognize him. He had short brown hair, green eyes, and fair skin. Comparatively, I had blond hair with a braid going down my side, brown eyes, and naturally tanned skin.

"My lessons so uninteresting youngling, mmh?"

Yoda's voice made me realize I'd zoned out.

"Sorry master." I stammered

Yoda laughed, "Worry do not youngling, fine it is."

After the lesson I was approached by the new boy.

"Hi." He said cheerfully, "That was funny."

"Oh, ya. I guess it was." I eked out. I was and am really introverted and already had problems getting along with the other younglings I had already known my entire life. Being approached by this new kid really made me very self-conscious and nervous.

His face went into one of confusion for a second and then back into a smile.

"Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Sirus, I was transferred here from Dantooine." He said with his cheery voice.

For whatever reason, I had slowly become more comfortable with him around.

"Transferred?" I asked curiously, "I never heard of anyone being transferred, what happened?" I quickly realized I forgot to say my name, "Oh and I'm Victor Lucion by the way."

He shrugged, clearly having no idea about why he was transferred either. "I don't know. Also nice to meet you Victor."

That day I met my best and one of my only friends I had for the better half of my life.

Our lightsabers clashed upon each other. His blue against my green. I used a light force push to keep Sirus back while he tried for force throw a small training object. He failed and I quickly got the upperhand and forced pushed Sirus down.

I pointed my saber down at him, "You done yet?"

He sighed, "Yeah, it looks like it."

I deactivated my saber and held my hand out to help him up.

"Sirus!" The voice of Sirus' Jedi trainer yelled. "You are fifteen now and can hardly use the force or even a lightsaber. If the Jedi council had not decided on giving you a two-year extension for your youngling training you would be in the service corps by now! And now you only have a week left!"

We were fifteen then. For a long time, it had been known Sirus was just barely force sensitive enough to be accepted into the Jedi order, combined with his relaxed and pacifistic nature he was a subpar in both lightsaber skills and the Force. I had already passed my trials to become a Padawan and in my off time decided to help Sirus train in hopes that he make through his trials. Unfortunately, while his dueling skills had slightly improved he still remained near hopeless in the Force and he still couldn't duel well enough to make up for it.

"Leave him alone," I said sternly. Master Narrik had been Sirus' trainer. He was always been a grumpy, miserable man who had never did Sirus right.

"Don't patronize me, young man! I'm his trainer and I'll make the final decision! Be thankful I let you train with him at all!"

My hand was tightly gripping my lightsaber. Despite the Jedi code forbidding anger, I could barely control myself. I was only stopped when I felt my own master's hand on my shoulder. My master was named Xavier, though I only ever called him Master. He was like a father figure to me and his presence calmed me down. He pulled me out of the room and mentally commanded me to allow Sirus to converse with his trainer without me.

He kneeled down, put both his hands and my shoulders and looked me directly in the eyes.

"Look, Victor, I understand your concern for your friend." Master Xavier said in his typical fatherly voice. "You have to understand that Sirus has to do this himself. He passes or fails on his own merit."

"But Narrik hates him!" I interrupted. Despite Narrik being a Master I would never call him one.

"Padawan Victor Lucion!" Master Xavier said sternly. "You must calm down." He said going back to a calmer voice. "I'm sorry, but we must go soon. The Separatists are advancing again and as Jedi we are needed. You must let Sirus do this himself. I'm certain he will succeed."

Master Xavier calmed me down. I bowed to him and left for me room. Tomorrow I leave to fight the Separatists and I will say goodbye to my friend before I go.

" _Force damn this pointless war."_ I had thought on my way to my room. And with that thought I went to sleep and let darkness take me.

Blaster bolts flew all around me. The droids continued to slowly advance on my position. The clones around me continued to desperately fire back while I deflected as many bolts as possible as the seemingly endless droid horde marched on our position. My master had left our position to do his plan. Master Xaver realised that there was no way to hold our position or win this battle without doing something risky.

" _Please hurry master we don't have much time left."_

Only a few clones were left, the droids were mere few meters away and what little cover that was left would be made useless.

 _*Boom *Boom *Boom_

I heard what sounded like a series of explosions underground. The ground collapsed with the droid army on top of it. Hundreds of droids went falling through the ground. My jaw hung in amazement. Behind me the clones cheered in amazement.

My master descended down on us on a captured droid air speeder.

"Well Padawan, do you have something to tell me or are you going to let your jaw hang here." My master said with a hint of sarcasm.

"How did you do that master?" I said in amazement.

My master smirked, "It was a simple task, it was just time consuming. The sewer system on this planet is quite ancient and as such is very close to the ground. I simply filled it with explosives to collapse the ground above it."

I continued smiling in amazement.

My master patted my head. "It's nice to know you really enjoyed the show, but we really need to continue moving. The Separatists have breached the castle." His voice progressively becoming more serious as he talked.

I nodded in understanding and followed him in.

20 minutes later

Commando droids breached the castle by scaling the walls. We ran through the castle trying to reach the hanger. By then the castle all but fallen and most of the remaining soldiers were guarding the hanger. Me, my master, and a few remaining clones were left desperately trying to escape.

My master expertly sliced down all the commando droids trying to stop our charge. It looked like we were going to make it when _he_ showed up.

"AHAHA" *Cough *Cough *Cough. The mechanical voice of General Grievous yelled.

"Jedi scum, time for you to die!" Grievous taunted.

He was surrounded by several magnaguards, the commando droids chasing us were quickly catching up

My master went tense, I noticed the force slowly starting to build up in him

"General Grievous," My master said coldly, "What a pleasure to meet the great pawn of the Sith."

"Fool!" Grievous yelled, "I am the General of the greatest droid army to ever exist. I am no pawn!"

The Force power I felt in my master continued to grow as the conversation progressed.

"Congratulations on being in charge of a mindless army. Any other army would of left long ago to get away from your rage and incompetence."

The rage building up in Grevious was obvious to everyone in the room. I continued to wonder what the point of all this was when my master sent me a mental command.

" _We cannot escape or fight Grievous, if we both run he will catch us, if we fight we will die. Someone has to keep him distracted. I am going to unleash a force wave strong enough to bring this hallway down. You will jump through the hole in the wall and run to the hanger WITHOUT me. You've grown up and will make a worthy Jedi Knight._

Before I could argue my master stopped me.

" _GO! You are young and I am old. I am no master if I let you die. Please live, as my last will."_

With tears in my eyes I nodded and did as he commanded. I heard Grievous yell, but my master unleashed the shockwave. The hallway under me collapsed and the castle began falling with it. Despite my will being crushed I kept running as that is what my master wanted. I could just see the hanger as an explosion hit me and my world went dark.


	2. Darkness

I woke up in a shock.

I realized I was floating in some sort of a liquid. As my vision cleared up I realized I was in a bacta tank. I swished around desperately trying to remember why I was in here. It was then the realization dawned on me.

" _He's dead, my master is dead."_ If I could cry in this tank I would have.

A medical droid had detected my actions.

"Please sir, you must calm down." The droid said with its cold, robotic voice. It continued, "You have healed sir, you will be removed from the tank shortly."

The tank drained and I exited.

I breathed heavily, "How long have I been in here."

"Two weeks sir." The droid replied.

" _Two weeks? Ok,"_ I thought trying to calm myself down, " _Sirus' test was last week, I'm sure he passed and we can celebrate together."_

I let the doctors do a few more tests before I was released. While the loss of my master pained me to no end I was determined in my goal to get to the temple. Fortunately, I was summoned by the Jedi to return immediately.

I arrived at the Jedi temple late at night. The first thing I did was run to my friend's room. I was interrupted mid run by a Jedi master telling me to report to the council.

I don't remember much from the council meeting. I only remember that my master death was brought up and that I was promoted to knight. Even that I don't remember well.

Sirus failed his test. The masters said something about him being commendable, but it didn't matter to me. The rest of the time was just a blur. I lost my master, the closest thing I had to a father and my best friend without so much as saying goodbye. I tried to move past it, but I was never really was the same. I refused any Padawans and simply did my part to end the war. Then Order 66 happened.

For a long time, my misery and self-loathing had built up to the point that I was a hair's brief from falling. I hated the order for everything that happened. For joining the pointless war. For forcing us to fight for a dying Republic. For taking me away from my family. For throwing my friend away after kidnapping him in the first place. And on the night of Order 66 I hid. I let the order be slaughtered and when the opportunity became available, I bowed to the Emperor and joined him.

My service to the Empire had actually been very similar to my service to the Jedi as a knight, just a series of battles that I really didn't care about. Throughout my service, there are only two moments I can remember clearly.

I was walking down down a field with some storm troopers. Reports came in that there might be Jedi resistance here

Two Jedi hopped out of their cover. Some non force sensitives started blasting us with their rifles. The stormtroopers were quickly cut down. I shrugged off their deaths as they were expendable. The ensuing fight lasted no time at all as one Jedi got over confident and charged. I simply decapitated him. The other Jedi was undertrained and I quickly killed him. The non force sensitives ran in terror. I wasn't there for them so I forced pushed them and continued walking.

At last I came to a barn that the Jedi must have been previously hiding in.

I walk up to a Jedi. He holds his lightsaber up. He shakes violently in fear

"Where is your master?" I ask, my yellow eyes looking down at him.

"I. I don't know what you are talking about, I am the only Jedi here." He responds, voice filled with fear.

I laugh and shoot him with lightning. I then began force choking him.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" I ask incredulously.

"That's enough!" A voice yells behind me. It's a voice I remember. I throw the Jedi in a pile of hay. He gasps for air only half consciously.

I look behind me to see a face I never thought I'd see again.

"Sirus." I said in disbelief.

He stared me right in the eyes. A look of betrayal that crushes my soul was plastered on his face.

"How could you do this?" He asked in shock, "How could you betray everything we stood for? How could you kill fellow Jedi?"

I had felt a powerful shimmer in the Force, as if I was about to enter some great crossroads. A moment where I could continue down my path or leave my pain behind. But, in my passion I ignored it and I suffered for it.

"The Jedi betrayed me!" I shouted through tears. "They took everything away from me and I'll make them suffer for it." My voice went cold.

Sirus breathed in and out, "If you won't listen than I have to stop you before you kill more people." He said emotionally.

"Please don't do this." I begged, "If you fight me I'll win and you might die."

"I'd rather die doing the right thing than live letting you continue your terror.'

The duel commenced, as I expected I began quickly beating him. He quickly tired while I kept going at him strong. I wanted to stop the fight without killing him so I force pushed him into some hay.

"Sirus! Stop this nonsense." I deactivated my lightsaber. "We don't have to fight."

I was met my gurgles and grunts of pain.

I ran up to him and noticed a pool of blood running from under him. In horror I under him to see that he had been partially impaled on a sharp farming tool that had been under the hay. In my haste to end the battle, I force pushed him too hard into a tool that was under the hay.

"NO! Sirus stay with me!" I wanted to pick him up and get him out of there but I feared that it would make the bleeding worse.

"Victor." He managed to eak out. "It's fatal, something important got hit." He coughed up some blood. "This is where the dark side gives you. You knew this, so why did you fall for it?"

"Sirus." I said through tears, "They took all I cared about away. They took my parents, they took my master in their war, and *sniffle, they took you. Sirus I'm sorry I never told you but, but, I love you."

Sirus' face changed to that of one of understanding. "Victor, I'm sorry it went like this." He said in a pained voice, "please don't continue down this path. It will only lead to more pain. Please, please l-." And with that, he gave out. His Force presence left his body. What was left of my mental stability snapped and I ran out of the barn. I didn't care about killing the Jedi here anymore. I thought about what he said about this causing pain, but I deserved the pain, I couldn't let go of it.

Even after that event I still tried to push through. I tried to do the "Sith way" and embrace the pain. I tried to pretend to be the cruel Sith, uncaring about anything

I was quickly pulled out of my memories by alarms blazing. I got up to ensure the door is locked so I will not be disturbed. It is and I go back to the story. I will have to make this one quick unfortunately, the end is near.

Year 3275 LY:

The last moment of my life I can clearly remember. By now I had fully embraced the dark side. My previously brown eyes had become a sickly yellow, my tanned skin had been becoming paler each year, even my golden blond hair had rapidly begun fading.

At 35 years old I was ordered to assist the Imperial Army putting down a rebellion. I don't remember the city's name. I was marching through the suburbs, cutting down anyone I saw, rebel or not. I served the Empire out of no faithfulness, but to feed my connection to the dark side, as it was my only way to forget and keep what little personality I had left. I remember entering a house, intel said it was a rebel cache, not that I cared if it was. I was on a busy scheduled and planned on just killing the inhabitants and leaving the rest to the storm troopers.

I had felt a strange shimmer in the, I shrugged it off as nothing. I pulled myself out of my memories again. " _Was that the same thing I felt the day in the barn."_

I continue with my story knowing that finding the answer would be pointless now.

I entered the house, I cut down the old woman who was standing by the door. She had a blaster anyway. Next was the old man. He blasted the storm troopers behind me and lunged at me. Being old and out of shape I quickly shoved him against the wall and put a lightsaber by his throat. Then the strangest thing happened. His sneer went to one of shock and one of such sadness that it got even my cold heart to pump blood again. I didn't like it so I cut his head off. Last was the boy. He looked to be 18. I laugh as I Force Pulled the blaster out of his hand and lunged my lightsaber in his gut.

"What kind of animal are you?" He barely eked out, "Coming in to my home and killing my family?"

I laughed it off, "And who are you?"

His response was to spit blood in my face, "Force damn you Sith, let it be known that the Lucion family stayed true to resisting evil like you as my brother did as a Jedi" And with that he died. But I died with him.

" _Lucion? My name is Lucion!"_ I looked down at the corpse, it was then I realized something. The boy I killed looked like me. Same hair color, same skin tone, same eye color. Has it been so long that I couldn't remember my own face? It was then I realized why the old man looked so sad on seeing me. He recognized me, who knew who I was. He was my father. I just killed my family, my father, mother, and what must be my younger brother dead by my hand. The family I wanted to meet for so long. Gone.

I died after that. There was nothing left of me, just a body moving to the commands of my brain. My soul serving no purpose other than some metaphysical power source. The mask I worked so hard to make had shattered to the point of irreparability. I had no pleasure from anything anymore. Even as I watched Alderaan being destroyed I felt nothing. So many life forces being sniffed out at once to where even Darth Vader flinched and I felt nothing.


	3. To Let Go

So now I am here. The present at last. The Rebels have recently exited hyperspace to destroy the Deathstar and the Force has told me that they will win. I laugh, out of all the people to tell why me? I'm the one person who won't do anything about it. I continue sitting on my bed, I look in the mirror and see what I have become, yet I find myself strangely at peace. I hope to die and get sent to wherever the other evil doers of the Galaxy get sent to after death, yet when ever one of the Sith lords of legend die they go out in agony. Why am I so calm? I begin thinking of the past again one last time before I die. I begin thinking of what could've been when I am interrupted.

" _No! Stop!"_ A familiar voice yells. I look around but I see no one else in the room with me. I realize that the voice sounds like… My old master.

" _Please Victor I beg you. Let go of your hate, stop thinking of what could've been. You must let go of your misery, your hate. Change what you think, look inside your memories. Where once you felt sadness, nostalgia, make it into an expression describing the potential for your future. A future that is not weighed down by this pain. Meditate on this. Please."_

I felt the all to familiar tremor in the force yet again. But I am clear of mind now. I feel peace, acceptance. Perhaps I will follow my master advice.

I breathe slowly until I am completely relaxed.

I open my eyes to find myself surrounded by ghosts,

" _No Victor, not ghosts. We are real, this is all happening. We are not the shattered reminders you placed inside your consense."_ My master says.

I see everyone I care about here. But they are not the sneering, suffering images that are from my conciseness. They have nothing but compassion and love in their eyes. My master, friend, brother, mother, and father all surrounding me in a endless room of white light,

" _Relax Victor." Sirus said. "We are here for you. The pain is over now."_

" _But how can you say that!"_ I shouted back through tears, " _I killed you, you could have lived!"_

Sirus chuckled back, " _You didn't kill me, a rake did. You tried to save me by throwing me in that hay."_ He smirked." _Don't tell me you beat yourself up over that."_

He said it with no hate in his voice, in fact, he said it as it was some kind of joke. Like the jokes, we used to share.

" _Still share."_ Sirus interrupted.

I looked toward my biological family, " _But you guys, I killed you all!"_

" _No."_ My mother said sternly, " _That wasn't you."_

" _That was the facade your brain put up to keep you alive. You had lost control of yourself long before that."_ My father chimed in.

My brother nodded in agreement. Perhaps I wasn't the only introvert in my family.

" _Tell me."_ My master added, " _Do you feel the pain anymore. Do you feel your physical limitations weighing you down anymore?"_

I realized for the first time in half my life and no longer felt the pain. I also realized I could no longer feel my physical form, as if it had been vaporized. Perhaps it had something to do with that battle I was thinking of earlier. I shrugged it off, I couldn't remember the details anyway.

Sirus took my hand. " _Come on, let's head to the temple."_ He walked me out of the room of white light into what looked like the Jedi temple. For some reason, I felt as if I had some great anger burnt away. " _Whatever could I be angry with? My parents are visiting the temple today, my master has commended me on my abilities both mentally and physically and I am walking down the steps with my best friend by my side._ The thoughts of anger completely left my mind. I looked in a mirror placed in the hall. My brown eyes, golden blond hair, and tanned skin looked back at me. But, why would I expect anything else?

So I walked into the light of the temple, a light that would forever keep the darkness away and I am at peace.


End file.
